hi i miss you
p.s. while you were in the shower last night, i wrote on a piece of paper and stuck it on the tray under your desk (it looks like it’d pull out or s/t idk you’ll find it)
i was going to do more, like you did, but then you got out of the shower. oops.
it is a quarter past ten in the morning and i am sitting in grand central station flitting between feeling empty and feeling like i want to cry. more of the former.
it’ll only be three weeks until i see you again. and i’m going to get to see you for literally three times as long as i did this trip. but i still just feel… empty. something’s missing. you’re missing. the last time i came to new york, being in grand central by myself afterwards wasn’t a big deal and being on the bus wasn’t a big deal etc etc. but this time it just feels so wrong being here without you. i don’t feel okay being in the city by myself because i feel like you should be with me.
it’s just so weird. i think part of it too is last time i spent the whole day with you and then left at night, went to sleep, woke up and got on my plane. this time i only got to see you for a combined total of about an hour in the morning and now i still have 6 and a half hours before my plane leaves. and i just don’t know what to do.
i don’t want to sit in grand central all day. i don’t want to wander in the city all day. i don’t want to spend the day in the airport, i don’t want to sit in the park. i don’t want anything except to have you in my arms again so that i can just feel so undeniably happy. that’s all i want robert. i just want you and i want to be with you and i miss you and holy fuck i hate this so much.
i love you. i love you more than words will ever be able to explain. i love you so much that i can’t even comprehend it. it’s been 3 hours since we said goodbye and yet it simultaneously feels like 3 minutes and 3 months. i just have this ache in my chest that’s not going away, and this constant well in my throat that i have to continue swallowing down because if i don’t, i’m going to lose it and it won’t be pretty.
but i know everything will be okay. i know it will. and i know you’re worried about the moods and the blurriness and all of that. but you know what? you have nothing to worry about. even if you get blurry, or get moody, or ANYTHING, we know that things change in person. we know that everything is beautiful and perfect when we’re really together. so even if the distance blurs something, we know that it’ll change and get better.
i feel like i’ve been writing a soap opera and haven’t really said a whole lot but oh well.
just come kiss me and make everything even better please.
so you’re in the shower right now and i’m going to take the opportunity to write this now.
god i love you so much. i love you so so fucking much and i’m so overwhelmed with joy that i’m getting to see you again and that this is real and dfljhasdflkjh. it just makes me so happy robert. you make me so happy and you’re so wonderful and adorable, constantly making sure that everything’s okay (which it really is! i think i was just tired still but i’m fine now) and just providing and god i could not have asked for a better boyfriend.
p.s. i just thought about the fact that within a 24 hour period we both came 3 times. #oops #sorrynotsorry because it’s also pretty wonderful
it’s also kind of cool that things have been so laid back today wee like honestly meeting your parents wasn’t that bad in the slightest and they’ve seemed pretty nice/laid back, at least as far as i can tell. maybe that’ll help make things easier for the future? who knows.
you just turned the shower off aaaaaah i’ll make another one of these later/tomorrow and finish. :) i love you so much robert. and i know i say that a lot but it’s because i really, really, really do.
APs are just disrupting normal. they’re taking me away from homeostasis ~
They’re putting me in a weird mood and make my daily routine weird and that just makes the mood weirder.
Like just now. I’d probably still be talking to you and have 30 more minutes of talking to you if you didn’t have to be on the bus sigh I’m so ridiculously clingy.
I’m not in a mood now though. I promise.
I love you
Nothing is wrong. I promise. I’m just getting really clingy, that’s all.
he doesn’t treat me like shit you condescending cunt.
I miss you.
Even though we had the huge blowout earlier, I still really fucking miss you. Maybe I don’t miss the you from about 9:00PM onwards, but I do miss you before that.
I miss talking to you and being cute and talking about may and making out in the elevators. I miss acting like we’re 5 and bringing Latisha into things. I miss you trying to console me and listening to me when I explained what was wrong.
I miss hearing your voice. Not your sad, moody voice, but your voice.
I’m sorry about tonight. I guess it’s my fault, because I got myself into a mood for no reason and wasn’t pulling myself out of it. But I couldn’t help it, so I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.
I just wish that you didn’t react to it the way you did. But I’m not turning this into a post that’s meant to seem like I’m avoiding talking to you about things. Because I do want to talk about things… I just a) can’t since you’re asleep and b) I always get worried that something like tonight is going to happen and one or both of us will end up moody.
That’s why I don’t like saying anything. I know how easy it is for my mood to affect your mood. I just wish it wasn’t the case, because the reverse isn’t true. I’m pretty good at not letting your mood (unless it’s a happy mood) affect mine.
I don’t even know what the point of this post is anymore.
I love you Robert.
i mean it’s also a quarter past two over there so. i shouldn’t expect to hear back tonight. merp.
i just hope everything’s okay